Monday, February 21, 2011

B.E.

We spend so much of our lives chasing the idea of us.., and that's often determined by who others say we are. If we're lucky, we become aware of the cycle and break it early on and sit with ourselves, by ourselves, and listen to ourselves for the direction our lives should take. If that initial sit down comes after we've committed to another in marriage, had kids, or planned a certain career path.., it's dangerous to ask questions then that should have been asked and answered by your mid-20's at least. Seeing the ramifications of such dramatic changes later in life keeps many from ever facing the 'might have been' paths their hearts would have chosen. No wonder there's bitterness, resentment and even depression in those latter years when we try to blame others for our pitiful lives, but in actuality, we only have ourselves to blame for never getting to fully know ourselves at an age when we might have done something significant with our soul's leanings.
I've never been afraid to correct my path. I've left good jobs, the loving support of family and friends, all in pursuit of this ideal of myself that I see in my heart. Have I paid dearly for it? Without a doubt, yes. Do I have regrets? No. 
I rejected the very idea of being an angry husband, absent father, or unreliable brother had I stayed one minute longer in a place I knew I ultimately didn't belong. Whatever that gene that seemingly most have to compromise and remain silently dissatisfied I can honestly thank God that I was NOT born with it. I have had many lonely days on this journey.., days where others who've tried to hang with me for as long as they could, still had to fall away and begin to live their own lives, follow their own paths, leaving me to continue, alone, for another season. 
I wish I knew 'where' this open door was.., I can only know, in the end, where it is not.

I'm struggling with having to move from the place that I moved to from another place where I believed the door had to be. Leaving NYC for the desert of NM was bold and foolish and fateful... I had to do it. But I've been here for 3 solid years and while I've had activity to keep me busy.., none of it felt like my heart's work. As always, it's rarely the place that holds me, it's the people and I've met some incredible angels along the way.., but their deepest love and support of me has never fully been enough to silence that call, especially after we discover along the way, they cannot travel deeper or further with me. So, with regret, I have learned to say good-bye, all too well and too often. You could say, I just wanted something more.., and describe them as wanting something consistent... but neither would be right or wrong. I do know there's just that moment that we both recognized we want something 'different'.

So, that time is 'nigh', again.

The difference this time is there is no other place.., in this realm, I fear, but the same 'ache' to move along is as present as ever. Does this time mean, I have to push through it and stay.. and that my blessing is really here, since I don't have another destination or the resources to make any move happen? Or, am I done with all the physical moves and it's finally time to make the ultimate 'spiritual' one? All I know is, I don't know.... and for the first time in my life, I'm willing to admit that. But I need a change, it's inevitable... and my landlord is gonna force one upon me... whether I'm ready or not.

I took the time to blog these impressions.., because I need time to think.., but my time for any more of that has run out, today. If I never type another stroke about this ultimate transition, let these stand as my final thoughts....

God, what else could I have possibly suffered or sacrificed in pursuit of your will for me?
Why wasn't my willingness ever enough?
Was it a blessing or a curse to have been born with that willingness and not the will or ability to do it all alone?
What was the point of it all?

Really.

Brother EDEN Douglas was here.

Somebody write that on a rock someplace.


Peace.